I often sit here looking at the blue screen and flickering cursor, wishing I could craft a masterpiece in words as readily as a painter paints or a carpenter shapes. Something if I had my way that would be… defining yet real, verbose yet relatable (that description worked way better in my head AND had a British accent).
But I’ve never had that sixth sense, that grand scheme of a master plan to “call my shot”. I simply write what I feel when I come here to talk music. Though more often than not nowadays I’m internally awash with fear, which means I’m not writing much at all.
We can be our own worst enemies in the grips of what we struggle to control. Especially when it becomes about handling the fate of our own destinies. I’m among the many battling that beast, and some days prove more difficult than others. I feel it’s wrong to even say I’m tired, but I’m tired right now and struggling to acknowledge being in the slump of a low. Of feeling like nothing and nothing good.
But, maybe nothing is also the best foundation to restart from in order to build something better. My great grandfather Lloyd and his brother were exhibiting chicken farmers in their youth, and they came of humble beginnings. Lloyd found that he liked to talk and give speeches as sort of a hobby during downtime from these activities. One day in his teens, a neighbor spied him standing on a box delivering an impassioned plea to an empty field.
The neighbor told Lloyd’s father (who was greatly amused), suggesting he might eventually make for being in politics. This eventually came to pass, with my great grandfather serving as a mayor during a working career that also included taxi driver, courier, alderman, a milk company inside man and railroad worker.
These were many hard-earned accomplishments for a man who once wrote that his decision to leave school after 10th grade was his greatest mistake. I may have eclipsed him with pieces of paper in learning, but I feel miles from the type of proudly obtained road I care to be on. Not that he wasn’t forced to improvise during times of illness/poor economy, but Lloyd often seemed… content. Yes times could be hard, but he was so grateful to have seen and experienced so much in his years.
I can only hope to say the same when it comes my time to find the end of the line. I have not yet had the fortunate wings of such a grace.
Regardless, I’m here forever learning with a blast off. Whether music or otherwise.